New Book

I always thought that I am writing new chapter of my life but then I realized that I am writing a new book of my life. I have finally (as in finally) closed the last chapter of my past book (I'm not sure if it's my second or third). I feel free knowing I am starting a new book right now. I am happy that there are new characters in it and my forever friends as recurring characters.

I feel scared jumping off the cliff again. As the saying goes, love is a risk you have to take. It is indeed a risk. I am hoping and praying for the best. I am genuinely happy right now, I am happy because of him. This time, I feel what real love feels.

An Act of a Broken Heart

Hurt. Pain. Sorrow.

Some of the words swirling in the mind of a broken-hearted girl. I always thought that you can gauge yourself as to what extent you can handle pain. Some may say that they just sleep through it, some would literally take medication (legal or illegal) to heal themselves, some may just lie around whole day and let pain eat their souls wishing they could just shut down.

Empowerment

I have always believed in women empowerment. Nobody has the right to put you down for whatever reason they may have. We are all born differently. As they say, we are unique individuals. You should not be compared to anyone neither compare yourself to others. We have our own strengths and weaknesses but it doesn't mean that we have to feel sorry for our self. .

Yes, girls might be bitchy with one another but that's just it. 

If people are not appreciative of what you can do and what you can be then don't listen and don't keep them near you. Those people are meant to ruin your confidence and they are just part of the toxic people in your life. Every now and then some friends may remind you of what or what not to do, but if it is all they do and say about you, maybe it's time to let them go.

Be a better person because you wanted to and not because you want other people to appreciate you. Let us not be blinded by what they say to us. If they truly like you, they will accept you for whoever you are. No judgment. 

Dreams

According to Yahoo Philippines, dreams are healthy because they reveal our emotions and show us issues that need to be dealt with in our lives.

      I've been dreaming for the past weeks and I really, really want it to stop or at least change it. I wanted to refocus myself to other productive activities like schooling and business. I go home very tired and yet in my dreams the very thing I refuse to deal with when I'm awake is lingering there. I want to deal with it on my own. I guess first step would be forgiving myself for giving in to temptation. I find it hard to forgive other people but it is harder to forgive yourself and to just forget everything. 

      Patience is a virtue, Neish. In the right time, in God's time, you'll get over it and you'll be enlighten. 

Pagod na Puso

*late post

Pakiramdam ko pagod na pagod ako kahit wala akong masyadong ginagawa. Something is consuming me. I realize it might be my heart. Overworked na ata. I never felt this way before yung sobrang pagod na yung puso, ngayon lang.

Pakiramdam ko namanhid na ako, natanga. Napapagod din pala talaga ang puso. Gusto ko ng matapos etong phase na ito sa buhay ko at ng makabalik na ako sa paglalaan ng lakas ko sa mga makabuluhang bagay.

Anong panlaban ko sa pagkapagod ng puso ko? Ano pa edi pagdadasal. Sa bawat minutong nakakaramdam ako ng pagkahapo, pagkapagod... nagdadasal ako, pinagdadasal ko na sana mawala na yung hindi magandang pakiramdam na yun. Pinagdadasal ko na kunin na Niya lahat ng sakit ng puso ko at kasabay ng buntonghininga ko naway mawala din yun.

Naniniwala akong nasa tabi ko lang Siya, hawak ang mga balikat ko para patatagin ako at tinutulak ako para malagpasan ko ang isang araw na lilipas. Alam ko, hawak Niya ang mga kamay ko para hindi ako mag-isa sa panahon na ito. Alam ko na Siya ang tanging lakas ko.

Unli Stupidity

I miss writing about my thoughts, feelings and rants for almost a year. Maybe I was just too busy to write or too pre-occupied with things or I am just satisfied with whatever I can write on my facebook and twitter account. I had a lot of sharing to do to make-up for the lost year :)

I've changed a lot. One of life's inevitable things. As my dear friend told me, I've upgraded  to version 2.0 of myself. I don't know if its a good thing or not but I will never regret anything (again and again). As much as I wanted every thing to flow smoothly, there will always be bumps along the way that I cannot help but to go through.

I am just feeling sad right now because I seem to not learn anything at all. I always make mistakes and unfortunately, same mistakes over and over again! I hate myself for that. I ask myself , why? why do I have to do it over again? I hate it! Questions that I know I cannot answer right now. Even if I try to correct the mistakes, I always seem to fail. Its so draining and so tiring. I'm tired. My mind is tired. My heart is tired.

I wanted to...badly...

I just remind myself that I need to live one day at a time and to always pray, pray and pray to get through this phase. Disappointing but I need to accept it, that's life!

#UnliStupidityandIhateIt

Dear God,
Please keep my mind and heart at peace. Free it from hatred, doubts and pain. I surrender everything to You. Keep the negative things off my mind and my heart. Lead me to the right path. Enlighten my life and give me enough strength to survive this challenge.
Amen

A letter for the past

*A letter I wrote last March 31, 2013 after so many revisions, finally... a letter with no bitternesh ;)

Just watched One More Chance at ngayon ko lang nalaman na all this time si John Lloyd pala ang peg mo at mukhang yun ang favorite movie mo. Natatawa ako whenever they were delivering their lines, sabi ko sa sarili ko, nagrinig ko na to ah! Okay, go back to my last line and highlight, natatawa. Mukhang ito na ang pinaka aantay kong panahon. I can look back at the past without anger or bitterness. I can say to you na I wish you happiness in life and contentment. I always wish naman kahit nung tayo pa na sana makita mo yung matagal mo ng hinahanap sa buhay, masagot mo na ang mga tanong mo sa buhay and 
sana makita mo na yung babaeng nararapat para sayo and keep her. 

We probably need this break up for us to grow up (got it from One More Chance). I need some growing up the same way you need it too. Madami akong natutunan sa journey ko na kasama ka. I discovered things about myself at nalaman ko kung hanggang saan ang kaya ko. I probably pushed myself too hard pero ganun talaga, I know now kung hanggang saan ang kaya kong ibigay at kung paano ako magmahal. I will definitely apply everything that I’ve learned sa buhay ko. THANK YOU dahil naging parte ka ng journey ko na ito. Ngayon, I will be ready to take another journey without regrets. I tried my best but I failed and so what, that is life. I just have to move on and hope for the best next time. I’m sure ganun ka din, you are always standing up fast after you fell down pero ganun talaga dapat. 

Finally, masasabi ko na sa sarili ko na masaya na ako. Mas naging malinaw yung daan na gusto kong tahakin because of what happened. I am fixing everything right now at alam ko na I’m doing it right this time. 

Let’s all move on and live our life to the fullest. Good luck and God Bless!
Always,
Neish ;)